


I May Have a Girly Name, But I'm A Boy

by WinchesterWarrenSon



Category: Free!
Genre: Accidental Self-Inflicted Genital Mutilation, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Trans, Cissexism, Gen, Implied abuse, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:51:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinchesterWarrenSon/pseuds/WinchesterWarrenSon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coach Sasabe makes the decision to accept and respect little Rin's gender identity, leading to Haru, Makoto, and Nagisa learning about trans people at a young age. Rin then leaves for Australia and receives a rude introduction to the cruelty of bigots, which (in combination with being without his support system) leads to dangerous levels of low self-esteem. Will returning to Japan fix things? Or will Rin let his fear of rejection continue to alienate him from the very people who love and support him? Note: Chapter 4 contains extremely sensitive material. If you have an idea on whether the fic should be rated Mature or Explicit because of that chapter, please tell me. I am having difficulty coming to a decision on my own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Swimming with Coach Sasabe

**Author's Note:**

> This fan fic will be beta-read by howaboutno.

Sasabe smiled as he watched the children enter the building. He loved his job; swimming was his passion, and he liked nothing more than sharing it with the youth of today.

Ring-a-ling!

Sasabe turned his head and smiled at the adult woman who just walked through the door. A glance downwards showed a little boy by her side, eyes wide and a smile full of bright, shiny teeth.

"Good afternoon! How may I help you?"

The woman smiled at him. "I'd like to sign my child up for the swim club."

"You've come to the right place!"

Sasabe called to his teacher's assistant to watch the children as they did their warm-ups, then went with the mother into his office. The little boy followed, happy as could be. He looked this way and that way, eyes shining with excitement and glee. 

“This place is so cool!”

Sasabe smiled..

"Sweetie, why don't you watch the other children swim from the window over here?"

"Okay!"

The boy bounced towards the two-way window - allowing people on one side to see what was going on in the pool while keeping those in the pool area from getting distracted by parents or siblings watching them. His mouth fell open as he watched them swim; Sasabe liked the passion this boy clearly had for swimming. 

Sasabe sat down behind his desk, and he and the mother exchanged names.

"So are you signing up just your son, Matsuoka-san?"

"I'm only signing my daughter up, yes."

"Huh?"

"Rin is going through a phase where she wants to be a boy. It'll pass eventually, I'm sure. But she insists on having her hair cut like a boy and wear boy clothes. I'll be getting her a girl's swimsuit, though, don't worry."

Sasabe stared at her for a few moments.

"All right then...."

They talked about what Mrs. Matsuoka would have to do for Rin in order for her to join the swim club. But something was bugging Sasabe about what Mrs. Matsuoka had said....

"Ah, you don't actually have to worry about getting Rin-chan a swimsuit. I'll take care of that. She'll be putting it on herself, of course. We have changing rooms, so that's not a problem."

"Oh good! Thank you so much."

"Well then, I think that's everything."

Mrs. Matsuoka then left with Rin, who was jumping and skipping and grinning by her side.

When the day for Rin to have her first day at the swim club, Sasabe led her to the girls' changing room. He kept an eye on Rin's face as they approached it. Rin’s mouth went from an excited smile to a frown. Sasabe had a feeling that would happen. He didn’t point out that he noticed it. It wasn’t his business, it wasn’t his…. The frown got deeper as they got closer to the changing room. 

Sasabe sighed. This was going to get him into trouble. But this was meant to be fun. He had this job because he liked making children happy through teaching them and giving them an opportunity to swim. He couldn’t let a thing like gender ruin that. 

Just outside of the changing room, Sasabe stopped. He turned towards Rin and knelt down so they would be at eye-level.

"Rin-chan. Your mother told me that you want to be a boy. Is that true?"

Rin pouted. "I don't want to be a boy, I am a boy!"

Sasabe put a smile on his face.

"Ah, I see, I see. My mistake. So you want to change with the other boys, right?"

Rin then grinned. "Yeah!"

"In that case, I'm going to get you a boys' swimsuit. But this'll just be between you, me, and the swim team. I don't think your mother quite agrees with us on this."

Rin shook his head. "Nope."

Sasabe patted Rin on the head, then went to get Rin a boys' swim suit.

Rin came back out of the changing room at high speed, grinning with those little shark teeth of his. It was rather infectious; Sasabe couldn’t stop himself from grinning as well. 

"Hi! I'm Matsuoka Rin! I may have a girly name, but I'm a boy! I'm looking forward to swimming with all of you!"

Sasabe continued to smile; children would be children, so if any of them thought that Rin looked "off", they would've said so. But as children who hadn't hit puberty, there was literally no visible reason to doubt Rin's claim.

And if they did, Sasabe knew just what to say.

For quite a while, Sasabe actually didn't have to intervene at all in regards to how the children interacted with Rin. And Rin was a very happy child.

One day, though….

Sasabe watched as Rin walked away from Haruka, Mokoto, and Nagisa, who he usually always swam alongside, and went to the further lane away from them. Nagisa started to follow after, but then Makoto put a hand on Nagisa’s shoulder. 

“But -”

“M-maybe we should let Rin be for now….” Makoto said. 

“But I don’t like seeing Rin-chan be mad.”

Haruka said nothing; he simply slid into the pool and started his laps. 

This new strain of their friendship continued to draw Sasabe’s attention. Makoto kept glancing in Rin’s direction, mouth turned downward and eyes sad and . . . guilty? 

Sasabe frowned. 

He tried to tell himself that it wasn’t his place to intervene. Kids would have problems and they should work through them on their own. 

But…. 

“Mako-chan! What’s going on? That was your worst time!”

“Sorry, Coach!”

Sasabe sighed, then motioned for Makoto to come over to him. Makoto’s shoulders shifted as he tensed up. He walked towards Sasabe on the sidelines, keeping his head down. 

In a low voice, Sasabe asked, “Does this have anything to do with you and Rin-chan?”

Makoto lifted his head, eyes widening his surprise. As though there had been no way for Sasabe to be able to tell. 

"Mako-chan, did something happen between you three and Rin-chan?"

Makoto's frown deepened.

"Well.... Rin goes to school with us. And we go to the bathroom together sometimes, but Rin never uses the urinal. I wondered why, so I asked. Rin says he can't pee standing up, but that didn't make sense, so I asked why. Rin then asked how I could, so I told him, but Rin says he doesn't have a.... you know...."

Sasabe frowned. "I see."

"And . . . I don't understand. Boys have . . . and girls have a different.... So doesn't that make Rin a girl? And if Rin is a girl, aren't we not supposed to see her chest?"

Sasabe's frown deepened. "Did you tell Nagisa-chan and Haru-chan about this?"

Makoto nodded. "Nagisa agrees with me, but Haru won't say what he thinks...."

Sasabe took a deep breath, then let it out slowly through his nose. He then called out, "Nagisa! Haruka! Rin! My office!" 

The three boys paused, their sour moods temporarily interrupted by the instant concern that came with the drop of honorifics and nicknames. (Well, Nagisa and Rin looked concerend. Haruka looked as he always did.) They climbed out of the pool and walked over to him and Makoto. 

Sasaba then told the teacher's aide to watch the rest of them. He took all four of the boys to his office and closed the door behind them.

Rin crossed his arms in front of him and refused to look at the other three. Sasabe put his hands on his hips.

"Mako-chan explained to me what happened at school today, about the questions about the urinal and why Rin-chan doesn't use it."

Rin's frown deepened and he turned his head further away from Makoto, Haruka, and Nagisa.  
"And because you three now know this, this has changed how you think of Rin-chan. Am I understanding that right?"

"Um," Makoto bit his lip.

"Well," Nagisa started.

"No," Haruka deadpanned.

That made Sasabe's eyebrows shoot up - and made Rin turn his head to look at them.  
Haruka looked up at Sasabe, not avoiding eye contact but not seeking it out.

"Rin is still Rin. Being a boy or a girl doesn't change how good a swimmer Rin is, and if Rin says he's a boy, then he's a boy."

Sasabe smiled. "That's right, Haru-chan."

He could see Makoto and Nagisa were still confused. So he knelt down and tried to put it into terms that they could understand.

"Mako-chan, Nagisa-chan. Imagine if you were exactly as you are now, thinking of yourself as a boy. But people kept calling you a girl, no matter how many times you corrected them. And they made you wear girl clothes. There's nothing wrong with girl clothes, except that it's not what you want to wear and makes you feel like they don't believe you and don't care how you feel. Imagine what that is like."

The two boys bowed their heads as they thought about it, long and hard, in the way that children do. Thinking in such a visual way that it's obvious what it is they're doing. Sasabe could see the understanding and realization of what he was getting at.

"That would feel really bad," Nagisa piped up. Makoto nodded in agreement. If anything, Makoto now looked more distraught than he had before.

Makoto turned towards Rin.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way, Rin. I promise to think of you as a boy from now on."

"Mm-hm! Me too!" Nagisa chimed in.

"Can you forgive us?" Makoto asked.

Rin seemed to be thinking about it for a few moments, keeping them in suspense. He gave them a look with narrowed eyes. Makoto gulped audibly, and Nagisa’s face blanched a little bit. 

Rin then grinned at them. "I forgive you!"

Makoto and Nagisa relaxed, grins coming to their own faces. 

“Thank you, Rin!”

“Thank you, Rin-chan!”

Sasabe allowed himself a grin of his own.

"All right, you four, get back to swimming."

The four children then hurried out of his office, and he followed after them. He was glad to see them become even closer friends after the conversation.

When the relay happened, though, Sasabe realized that he couldn't hide the fact that he was supporting Rin's identity from his parents anymore. Rin wore the boys' swimsuit. Rin's family was in the crowd. And Mrs. Matsuoka was livid.

Had Sasabe not already known that Rin would be leaving for Australia beforehand, he knew for a fact that that woman would have taken Rin out of his swim club on principle.

Sasabe watched as Rin was dragged away before he could reach the relay team and congratulate them.

He didn't see Rin again until he and Haruka raced in the beginning of their first year's of middle school. He saw the scars that had no explanations on his small body and the breasts that were starting to develop and the pain in his eyes. He could tell how much the loss to Haruka hurt him in ways that losing shouldn't hurt him in, even accounting for sore losing.

The race was about something more than it appeared, but Rin refused to allow himself to be comforted.


	2. Samezuka Academy with Nitori

Nitori walked the halls of the Samezuka dorms. He rolled his bag behind him, taking in all of the sights. So this was Samezuka, the swimming powerhouse. He took a deep breath. This was an incredible opportunity, and he would make the most of it. 

He was also excited to meet his roommate. He had seen on the roster that he was rooming with Rin Matsuoka. He remembered Rin and his friends from that relay so long ago…. 

He found the dorm easily enough. He reached out for the doorknob and jiggled it. He raised an eyebrow. 

Why was it locked? 

He took out his key and pushed it into the lock, then turned it, and opened the door. 

Slam! 

Nitori watched as the other boy whirled around, hand still on the drawer he had just slammed shut. The boy stared at him, and Nitori stared back. Physical attributes - like the hair - tipped Nitori off that this was definitely Rin Matsuoka from the relay. 

But Nitori was rooted to the spot, confused. 

Rin cleared his throat, trying to cover up the fear that had been plastered over his face. 

“You startled me.”

Rin turned his head to the side, but kept his eyes on Nitori. 

“Oh. I’m sorry! I’m Nitori Aiichiro. Your roommate.” 

“Hm.” 

Neither of them moved for a moment or two more. Nitori clutched his keys, slowly moving them back to his pocket. 

“And - and you’re Rin Matsuoka. Right?”

“Yeah.” 

Rin then turned away from him and went to his suitcase. Instead of continuing to unpack, he closed it and zipped it back up, then carried it to a corner in the room and placed it there. 

“I’ve gotta run an errand. I’ll see you later.”

“Uh, okay….”

Nitori stepped out of Rin’s way as Rin left the room. He stepped back out of the room and watched Rin walk away. 

He frowned, disappointed. That hadn’t exactly gone the way he had thought it would…. But perhaps Rin was just having a bad day or something. He didn’t know much about Rin, after all, outside of Rin having been in the relay…. 

Nitori went back inside the room and went about unpacking. Unzipping his bag and taking out the clothes he had, he went over to the dresser that he and Rin would be sharing. He hesitated, part of him wondering what was in the drawer that Rin had so quickly shut. 

But Nitori furrowed his eyebrows and decidedly opened a different drawer and placed his things into it. It wouldn’t be a good way to start off being roommates if Nitori rooted through Rin’s things. And he wanted to make a good impression. 

He hoped to be Rin’s friend, after all. 

Once he had finished packing, Nitori got an idea. 

When Rin opened the door to their dorm room, he raised an eyebrow at the little set-up of tea and poor-high-school-student-type snacks set up on the one desk they had in their room. They only had one desk chair, and it was set up on one end of the desk (though not the end the desk was designed to accommodate) and Nitori was at the other end, sitting on his knees. 

Nitori smiled at Rin. 

“Welcome back!”

Rin stayed standing in the doorway for a few moments, then he closed the door and walked over to the chair. He sat down, and Nitori’s smile widened. 

“I thought it would be nice if we shared a meal to celebrate moving into the dorm,” he explained. 

Rin looked up at Nitori. 

What started out as a reasonable bit of silence stretched into an uncomfortable bit of silence. Nitori’s smile faltered. Had he done something wrong? 

But then Rin picked up the tea cup and sipped from it. 

“Thanks,” Rin said. 

Nitori smiled at him again. 

“So, Matsuoka-sempai, are you planning on trying out for the swim team? I remember you from when there was that big relay when we were both children. I’ve kind of always have admired you since then!”

If possible, Rin’s moody expression darkened. Nitori stopped talking, and his smile fell away. 

“D-did I say something wrong?”

Rin finished drinking his tea, then got up. 

“I’m gonna get ready for bed.”

“Oh….” 

Rin went over to the dresser and pulled out his pajamas . . . then went into the bathroom, locking the door. 

Nitori watched him as he went, frowning as he heard the door lock. 

“I guess Matsuoka-sempai prefers a lot of privacy,” Nitori muttered to himself as he slowly drank the tea he still had in his cup. 

Perhaps Rin just needed to warm up to him. They were living together, so that had to happen eventually. Right? 

Nitori finished up, then cleaned up and also got ready for bed. Rin came back out of the bathroom, wearing dark plush pajama bottoms and an over-sized T-shirt. 

“Which bunk did you want?” Rin asked. 

Nitori jumped, having not expected the question. 

“I . . . I think Matsuoka-sempai should pick first.” Maybe that would help cheer him up a little? 

Since top bunk was normally something that people fought over, Nitori had expected Rin to climb up the ladder and take the top bunk for himself. But he crawled into the bottom bunk instead, pulling the covers up and over himself. 

Nitori climbed up the ladder when he was ready and got himself comfortable. 

“Good night, Matsuoka-sempai.”

Nitori waited for a response. 

“‘Night.” 

Nitori allowed himself to smile at that. He was probably just really private. 

When he awoke the next morning, Nitori didn’t see Rin anywhere. But his suitcase was now open and empty in the corner. As Nitori left the dorms to get to class, he saw Rin in a track jacket running. Nitori smiled to himself. 

Nitori didn’t have any classes with Rin, but he saw him here and there around the campus. When Rin had a free period or it was recreation hour, Nitori could find him either running or doing push-ups or doing some sort of work out. But he had yet to see him actually swim. 

So he tried to breach the topic about swimming again when he had the opportunity. 

“Matsuoka-sempai, did you get the e-mail about swim team tryouts being this week?”

“Ah. Yeah.”

Nitori waited, but Rin didn’t follow it up with anything else. 

“Are you going to try out?”

Rin frowned, then shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“How come?”

Rin’s eyebrow twitched, and Nitori tensed up. Uh oh. Nitori braced himself for some kind of ridicule or retort, but Rin didn’t say anything. 

Nitori took a deep breath. “It’s just - when I heard that I’d be at the same school as you and be your roommate, I was . . . kind of hoping that I’d be able to swim with you.”

Rin looked at Nitori, and Nitori looked back, getting more and more nervous by the second. Why wouldn’t he just say something . . . ? 

“I can swim with you during one of the public pool hours.” 

“Eh?” 

That . . . definitely hadn’t been what Nitori had been expecting to hear. But if Rin wasn’t going to try out for the swim team . . . it might be his only chance. 

“I’d really like that,” Nitori said. 

Rin took his eyes off of Nitori and walked a little bit ahead. 

The public pool hours were scheduled rather ridiculously, trying to prevent it from conflicting with class times or swimming practice, and the pool wasn’t open at night. So there was really only a small opening after swimming practice and when the pool was officially closed. But Nitori met Rin there at that time. 

Rin started to slip off his pants, revealing his swim suit to be underneath. 

“Ready?”

“Oh! Um, I still need to change into mine.”

“‘Kay.” 

Nitori hurried to the changing rooms, then got into his swimwear as quickly as possible. Careful not to slip and fall, he hurried back into the pool room. 

“I’m ready, Matsuoka-sempai - !”

Nitori stopped, his eyes widening. 

He hadn’t really expected Rin to be in a one-piece like that. The legs cut off at the knees, and the fabric covered his chest and the straps dug into Rin’s shoulders, as though the swim suit wasn’t quite big enough. 

Rin tossed the jacket he had worn into the building to the side, then looked over at Nitori. He raised an eyebrow at the look the other boy was giving him. 

“What?”

“Uh, nothing! I just hadn’t taken you for someone you would wear one-piece suits….”

Rin frowned a little bit, but he didn’t say anything. 

“C’mon. You’re the one who wanted to swim.”

Nitori nodded, then hurried after Rin. They reached one end of the pool edge, then positioned themselves for diving in. Nitori looked over at Rin, watching his figure as he bent over similarly to Nitori. Nitori allowed himself to behold the good form that Rin possessed - but then his eyes were distracted. 

At first he couldn’t tell what it was he was looking at. But poking out from under the fabric covering Rin’s pectorals was warped skin. The kind of warping that comes from flesh that has healed over from rather bad wounds. 

It was a scar. 

Rin then dived into the pool, and Nitori dived after him. But Nitori knew what he saw. 

He didn’t ask about it, though. Rin swam so far ahead of him, so quickly, that Nitori just focused on catching up. 

They did a few laps back and forth in the pool for a while, until the high-speed swimming became too exhausting. Nitori allowed himself to float on his back for a while. He moved his head a little to see Rin dive underneath the water. Rin took a few moments, then resurfaced. 

The smile on Rin’s face was the first time Nitori had seen a smile from him since they became roommates. Nitori smiled in kind. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to try out for the team, sempai?”

The smile fell off Rin’s face, and Nitori almost wished he hadn’t said anything. Almost. 

“It’s just that I know what a good swimmer you are, Matsuoka-sempai. Any team would be really lucky to have you on it.”

Nitori just didn’t understand how the frown could deepen at a compliment. It was true; Rin Matsuoka was one of the best swimmers Nitori had ever seen in action. And while they weren’t really competing against each other right now, he could tell that he still retained his skills. 

Rin ducked his head back under the water, and Nitori didn’t get a response. Nitori’s smile fell as well. Just what was his deal? 

They continued to swim for a while longer, but then they had to get out of the pool due to closing time. They dried themselves, then put their clothes back on (Nitori changing entirely and Rin pulling his jacket and track pants back on). They then walked back to their dorm together. 

Without saying anything, Rin grabbed his night wear from the drawer, then went and barricaded himself in the bathroom. 

Nitori sighed and pulled his shirt off, tossing it into the laundry basket. Why did he use the bathroom to change, anyway? They were both boys…. He really didn’t remember Rin being so self-conscious when he saw them at the relay way back when…. 

As Nitori crossed the room to grab the bottoms he’d be sleeping in, he noticed that the bathroom door had moved from all-the-way closed to open-by-just-a-crack. He paused, realizing that he could see Rin’s profile from the crack. Just enough of him so that he could see that he was no longer wearing a shirt and was already changed into his pajama bottoms. 

His eyes widened as he caught a glimpse of exactly what the scarring on his chest looked like. 

From what Nitori could see (which albeit wasn’t much), it looked like someone . . . had taken some kind of blade to Rin’s chest and attempted to slice and dice his pectorals and mammary regions. And not in a surgeon sort of way, either…. No, it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t methodical. It was haphazard and criss-crossed and disorganized. 

And it looked like it had hurt an incredible amount. 

Nitori quickly looked away, his heart beating faster and his palms sweating a little. 

Just what had happened in Australia? 

Rin stepped out of the bathroom, making Nitori jump a little. 

Nitori looked back at Rin; Rin was wearing the shirt he had worn the other night to sleep in. He raised an eyebrow at Nitori. 

“You okay?” he asked. 

“Uh, y-yeah. I’m fine. Just a little cold.”

“Well, duh. Your hair is still wet and you’re only wearing pants.”

Rin went over to the lower bunk and crawled underneath the covers. 

“Get in your bed before you catch something.”

Nitori nodded, conceding that Rin had a point. He climbed the ladder and got underneath his covers. 

“Night…” Nitori said. Rin grunted something as an equivalent. 

Over the next week, one thing made Nitori very happy, but two things made him very worried. 

The one thing was that Rin tried out for the swim team and made it. Nitori cheered Rin on, and Mikoshiba had even complimented Nitori on his eagerness to build on team togetherness. 

But soon after Rin got onto the swim team…. 

It was Nitori’s turn to take the laundry down to the laundry room. So he picked up the laundry basket they shared and took it down to the laundromat. 

He picked up the giant wad of clothes and sheets, then stuffed it into the washing machine. He paused as he saw a flash of brown. Thinking it was a piece of clothing getting in with the whites, he reached in to pull it out. 

He froze as he realized that what he was touching wasn’t clothing fabric. It was rough and was part of the sheet. 

Pulling the bedsheet out, he took a good look at it. His eyes widened as he realized it was dried blood. And that they weren’t his sheets, but Rin’s…. 

He put the sheets back into the machine, then got the machine running. Knowing it would take a while, he took the now empty laundry basket back up to their room and placed it on the floor. 

Rin wasn’t there, though Nitori was getting used to that fact. He had no idea where Rin went when he wasn’t in their dorm and they didn’t have class or swimming practice. But he was gone a lot doing whatever it was…. 

Nitori went into the bathroom they shared. As he unzipped and went about his business, he looked at the various items on the bathroom counter. Rin’s things were cloistered into a corner of the counter, and they were very few actually on the counter. The rest of it was all in a drawer that Rin had been rather territorial over. 

Nitori zipped his pants back up, then washed his hands, his thoughts going back to the blood-stained sheets and the scars on Rin’s chest…. 

Curiosity got the better of him, and he told himself that it wasn’t really an invasion of privacy. It was just a drawer…. 

He pulled it open. 

He hadn’t pulled it open all the way - had he, he would have seen some things that would have really made him raise his eyebrows. But at the front of the drawer was what he had really suspected was in there, so he saw no reason to pull the drawer out any further. 

While the pads and tampons were completely out of Nitori’s sight, the razor blades sat, looking disturbingly innocent, in a ziplock bag at the front end of the drawer

Nitori stared at them for a few moments, unable to tear his eyes away, despite the fact that looking at them made it feel like his stomach had fallen out of him and left an empty hole that was being filled with ice. 

Did . . . did this mean Rin . . . did this mean Rin had done that to his own chest . . . ? But . . . but why? Were there . . . were there other scars that Nitori just couldn’t see? Because they weren’t in places that Rin normally had exposed? 

Nitori shoved the drawer closed, then hurried out of the bathroom. Out of the dorm. Wandered around the campus aimlessly, looking just as lost as he felt. 

How . . . how could he help Rin? Could he help Rin? Would Rin even want his help? 

After a while, he wandered back into his dorm room. He should get the laundry back up from the laundromat anyway…. 

But when he returned, Rin was there, and all he could do was stare at him. 

Rin tilted his head to the side. 

“What’re you looking at?”

Nitori didn’t know what to say. He swallowed hard. 

“M-Matsuoka-sempai, I know that I’m just your roommate and houkai, but if - if you ever needed to talk about anything that was upsetting you, you can talk to me about it. I promise to be a good roommate and friend to you!”

Rin’s eyes widened a little bit, clearly taken aback by the “sudden” declaration of friendship. 

“Uh. Thanks…. I guess. You sure you’re okay?”

Nitori took a deep breath. 

“Yes, sempai. I . . .” Should he tell . . . ? Should he tell him that he saw? “I’m fine, I just . . . notice that you’re sad a lot.” 

Rin furrowed his eyebrows. Nitori tried to keep it together and not completely spill everything his gut was exploding to tell. _You don’t have to do this alone, sempai. I’m here for you, sempai. There are plenty of other ways to cope than cutting yourself, sempai. I can help, sempai._ But Rin was so private and distant. Nitori just couldn’t shake the feeling that Rin would only draw even further inwards if he said anything like that…. 

“Don’t worry about it. It was your turn to do the laundry, right? Is it finished?”

“No, I was just about to take the basket back down there to bring it back up here….” 

“Want me to do it?”

“No, I can do it. You have that paper to write, anyway.”

“I just finished it. You kind of look like you need a rest, though.”

Did he? But he wasn’t the one who had bled onto his sheets…. 

Rin got up out of the desk chair, then went to grab the laundry basket. 

“I’ll get it, you take a breather. Which machine was it in?”

“Uh. Number 5.”

Rin gave him a thumbs-up, then headed out to fetch the laundry. 

Nitori then climbed up the ladder to the top bunk and curled up on his bed. 

What should he do?


	3. Visiting Rin at Samezuka Academy

Rei didn’t understand. He was listening, but so far Haruka’s story just wasn’t adding up. 

“We won the relay. And I felt like I really did see something I hadn’t seen before, like Rin promised.”

“I also felt like I saw something entirely new,” Nagisa said. Makoto nodded, agreeing with Nagisa. 

Rei’s frown deepened. 

“But?”

Haruka broke the eye contact that he was holding with Rei. 

“He left for Australia, like he said he would. And I didn’t see him again until about a year later…. I hadn’t known he had come back, and he hadn’t intended to run into me. The fact of the matter is is that I don’t know why Rin didn’t tell me or Makoto or Nagisa that he was back. And I don’t know why he seemed sad to have run into me…. He didn’t talk about Australia or anything. He deflected questions about why he didn’t call and asked if I was still swimming. I told him that I was, that I and Makoto had joined the middle school swim team. And he challenged me to a race. So we did, at the pool that we had used when we were still in elementary school….” 

Rei could tell that Haruka was leaving parts out of the story once he reached this part. His eyes shifted to the left - he was thinking about something, something that he wasn’t going to tell Rei. 

Why wasn’t Haruka telling him everything? 

“We raced. I won. Rin . . . Rin was very upset by it. He announced that he was going to quit swimming and ran off. Until this year, I hadn’t seen him since then at all. I quit the swim team after that. I still swam on my own time. I could never give up swimming. But competitively . . . I couldn’t forgive myself for ruining it for Rin.” 

“I hadn’t known that happened,” Nagisa said, frowning. 

“But shouldn’t your last race have changed all that? Why are things still so tense between you two? Why can’t you just be friends again?” Rei asked, still unable to understand the situation. There were pieces missing, and Haruka was hiding information, and he didn’t know anything about Rin aside from what they told him. 

What was it about Rin Matsuoka? What was so captivating, so special, so hurtful about Rin Matsuoka to do this to his friends? 

Why did this damaged relationship have to hurt all three of them so much? Rei couldn’t stand it. 

“I don’t know. And I can’t say I really understand it either,” Haruka said. “But I’m looking forward to swimming with Rin again in the relay.” 

Rei watched that not-quite smile spread on Haruka’s face, and he just couldn’t understand it. 

Later, when he and Nagisa were waiting for the bus to take them home, Nagisa spoke up, saying that they weren’t involved. But how could they not be!? They were Rei’s friends! And Rin hurt them - was still hurting them! He could see it in their eyes and in the way their faces looked when they talked about him and reminisced about how things used to be! 

This wasn’t fair to anybody! And Rei couldn’t replace those holes in their hearts. He couldn’t….

But it would have to be up to him to figure out what was going on with Rin Matsuoka. 

So Rei made up his mind and set out to Samezuka Academy the next day, abandoning swim practice in favor of confronting Rin. 

Rin walked out of the building. He hadn’t looked too happy when he came out, but his eyes narrowed at the sight of Rei. 

“Rin-chan-san.” 

Rin raised an eyebrow. 

“I need to talk to you.”

Rin snorted. 

“About what?”

“I have two questions for you.”

“Huh?”

“The first: Why did you suddenly decide to swim in the relay?”

“I changed my mind. Not like that’s a crime. Is that why you came all the way out here?”

“That answer does not convince me. You’ve been fixated on racing Haruka-sempai this entire time. Why?”

“Why?” 

“Yes. Why have you been so focused on defeating Haruka-sempai? Is it because you can’t move forward without beating him? But then why are you still so focused on it?”

“This isn’t about Haru. It’s about becoming the best there is. To become good enough to be an Olympic swimmer. To win the Olympics.”

Rin and Rei stared at each other for a while. 

“All right. Now, my second question.”

Rin’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance. 

“How do you feel about Haruka-sempai?”

“Huh?”

Rei tried not to get distracted by just how taken aback Rin looked at that question. 

“I saw pictures of you when you were all in elementary school. You used to smile all the time. You were all happy together. But then you left for Australia. What changed? Why didn’t you reach out to them? Why are you trying so hard to not be their friend?”

Rin gritted his teeth. 

“None of that’s any of your business!”

Rei’s hands curled into fists. 

“Yes it is! They are my friends! You might not care anymore, but I do! I want to understand why you insist on hurting them this way!”

“Hurting them!?” 

“Yes! Haruka-sempai quit swimming after he beat you in middle school! Now you’ve won and you’re still giving him the cold shoulder - giving all of them the cold shoulder! And all they do is talk about you! Rin-chan, Rin-chan, Rin-chan!” 

“That’s not my problem!”

Rei grabbed the front of Rin’s jacket and pulled him closer. 

“You have to take responsibility for how you’ve hurt them! You can’t just run away from the pain you’ve caused! There’s a hole I can’t fill, and you’re the one missing from it!”

Rin tried to push Rei away. 

“If you think things can go back to the way they were - back in elementary school - you’re wrong! Nothing can be like that! Never again! That happy, safe bubble in that swim team was a lie, an illusion, a sham! That’s not the real world, and they’re kidding themselves if they think it was anything different!”

“What are you even talking about!? They just want to talk to you again!”

Rin successfully broke Rei’s grip on his jacket and pushed him off of him. 

“Don’t give me that crap! And what the hell am I going to tell them, anyway!? The truth!? That the little freak from their elementary school swim team couldn’t make it in the real world!?”

Rei furrowed his eyebrows. What? “What are you even going on about!?”

But it seemed like Rei had hit a button and it hadn’t switched off yet. 

“This isn’t about Haru, it was never about Haru! Or Makoto or Nagisa! And it definitely isn’t about you! I grew up! I learned better! Maybe they can live in their happy little world, but I can’t! I had to face the fact that I’m never gonna get where I want to be all ‘cause I don’t have a dick, and that’s something they’re never going to be able to understand! I had to - !” 

But Rin stopped, finally realizing what he had been going on about, what he had just said. Rei’s eyes had gotten rather wide, and his brain was still trying to process what Rin had just said. 

Didn’t have a . . . ? 

Rei looked Rin over real quick. He . . . looked like a boy. And Haruka, Nagisa, Makoto, Gou, and Coach Sasabe used male pronouns…. And Rei could see the outline of Rin’s chest through the swimsuit, and that definitely wasn’t a woman’s chest. (Actually, now that he was looking, Rin looked like he had one heck of a work-out routine and for a split second, Rei was wanting to ask what that work-out was.) 

Rei’s eyes then went back to Rin’s face, and that made all thoughts about Rin’s physical body vanish. 

He looked genuinely terrified. 

Rei couldn’t be angry at him when he was looking at him like that. He reached out to try to put a hand on Rin’s shoulder, but Rin quickly stepped away from him, out of reach. 

“You should leave,” Rin forced out, his voice strained, showing his attempts at staying calm, but his eyes exposed just how unnerved and fearful he was now. 

Rei wasn’t entirely sure what happened just now, but. . . . 

“Do Haruka-sempai and the others know?”

Rei could see Rin’s chest heaving up and down, whatever breathing exercising he was doing clearly not working so well in calming him down. 

“I want you to leave.”

“But -”

“Just go away!”

Rin then rushed back inside the building. 

“Wait!” 

Rei ran after Rin. They both burst through the doors back into the pool. The rest of the Samezuka swim team turned their heads as they watched them run past. 

“Hey! Careful!” Mikoshiba called after them. 

“Matsuoka-sempai?” Nitori called. 

Rei only just barely noticed that Mikoshiba and Nitori picked up on the state Rin was now in. 

“Wait! Rin-chan-san!” 

They weaved through the building and back outside. It almost became a chase around the campus, but Rei had been on the track team. He caught up to Rin easily enough and grabbed his arm. Not wanting to hurt him but wanting him to look at him, Rei pulled Rin back and pushed him against the wall as gently as he could manage, then put his other arm up as a barrier from Rin running away again. 

“Rin-chan-san, please, I just want to understa- !”

He saw the tears starting to fall from his eyes before he heard the words. 

“Don’t hurt me!”

Rei paused, forgetting what he was going to say. The tears rolled down Rin’s cheeks, and he stared at him so desperately, so - it was like Rei was some kind of villain and Rin had no other ways to protect himself. 

“I - I’m not going to….” 

Something clicked in his head, and he realized that he might have a bigger clue as to what happened after Rin left for Australia. 

He let go of Rin and let both his arms drop to his sides. 

“It really isn’t about Haruka-sempai.” 

It was about Australia. It was about trying to train to be a professional swimmer in Australia while being open about. . . . Rei didn’t have a word for it. And the more he realized this, the more he realized that he needed to research this. Have a name, have a better understanding of it, have a better understanding of this pain Rin was going through. 

Only then would he understand why it was driving Rin to push Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa away. 

“Just go away….” Rin said one more time. 

“What’s going on here?” commanded an authoritative voice. Rei looked to his left and saw Mikoshiba - sounding far more in command and captain-like than Rei was used to. 

“Ah. I was - just leaving….” 

Rei didn’t like being at a loss of what to do. 

Mikoshiba frowned. “Then go. And stop harassing my teammate.” 

Rei bowed towards Mikoshiba, then turned and bowed to Rin in apology. Rin turned his head away from him. 

Rei then made his way off campus, back to the bus stop. 

Once he got home, he tried to study for school, for the relay…. But he couldn’t get his mind off of what Rin had said. Before he really consciously made the decision, he was looking up on the Internet what Rin could have meant by that. 

Some porn came up in the search, but mostly what Rei found was genuinely useful information about what a transgender person was and what that meant for them when engaging with society. Rei quickly found out that Rin had it pretty rough. And putting together was Rin had said to what Rei was now reading about. . . . 

There was a knock at his door, and Rei got up to answer it. Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa were on the other side. 

“Hi, Rei-chan!”

Rei let them inside. 

“Did you really go to see Rin?” Haruka asked. 

“Ah, yes.” 

“Was it because of what I said?”

“No. I had my own reasons….” 

Rei turned and saw that Makoto was staring at his computer screen. 

“Rei… Why are you researching transgender subjects?”

“Ah…. Well. When I talked to Rin-san…. he became very frustrated with me and it kind of slipped out….” Rei took a deep breath. “From things that he had said, I’m assuming you all know about Rin-san’s identity and how it . . . conflicts.”

The three of them nodded. 

“I never really thought of it as conflicting, though.” Haruka said. “It didn’t prevent him from swimming, so what did it matter?”

Rei cleared his throat. “I don’t think that’s entirely true.”

“What do you mean?” Nagisa leaned forward on the table. 

“I think his experiences in Australia told him that people wouldn’t want him on their swim team if they knew…. When he realized he had let it slip to me, he became very fearful and thought that I would hurt him…. These are only things I’m assuming, but I don’t think they let him swim after they found out and hurt him badly for trying.”

Rei almost wished he hadn’t said anything. Their reactions to the news were heartbreaking. 

“What!?” Nagisa exclaimed, standing up and slamming his hands on the table too suddenly and too loudly. 

Makoto’s face first went through shock, and then Rei saw anger for the first time on his face. And it wasn’t mild, either. No, Rei saw the fires of fury burning in Makoto’s eyes, and he was more than glad that it wasn’t actually directed at him. His chest swelled, and his teeth gritted together, and his hands balled into fists. 

Haruka, on the other hand, looked like someone had told him he couldn’t swim. Eyes widened, and for a moment, it was like the very pain that had been in Rin had transferred to Haruka instead. But only for a moment. After that, he just looked incredibly sad. 

“Why would anyone want to prevent Rin from swimming?”

“Because people are jerks! Poor Rin-chan! Can you imagine?”

Nagisa then noticed Makoto’s reaction. 

“Mako-chan?” 

Makoto took a deep breath, then blew it out through his nose in a controlled manner. He then stood up. 

“I have to make a phone call.” 

Rei, Nagisa, and Haruka watched Makoto get up and step out into the hall. 

Haruka looked up at Rei, and Rei almost flinched from how lost Haruka looked. 

“Why didn’t Rin tell us? Why didn’t he call? We would’ve been able to be there for him….” 

Rei swallowed hard. “He said . . . he said that the situation with the elementary school swim team had been a safe happy bubble…. But that it wasn’t real life.”

“So . . . does Rin-chan feel like we lied to him? About how hard things were going to be?”

“That’s a possibility. But that’s not really your fault. You were all the same age about. Right?”

“Yeah…. Poor Rin-chan….” 

Makoto came back into the room, looking just as angry as before, but with more sadness added. 

“I tried to call Rin. He didn’t pick up….” 

No one really knew what to say to that. 

Their moods didn’t really improve as time wore on into the next day. All they could do was continue on and practice for the relay.


	4. The Hospital with Mikoshiba

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic and sensitive material, including self-harm and genital mutilation. While it will be further discussed in chapter 5, it will not be described in graphic detail. If you feel like you can't handle the graphic nature of this chapter, feel free to skip it and wait for chapter 5 (or if chapter 5 is already posted, go ahead to chapter 5).

“What’s going on here?” Mikoshiba demanded. 

Nitori stood just behind Mikoshiba, and they watched Rei turn his head to look at them, waiting for a response. 

“Ah. I was - just leaving….”

Mikoshiba kept his eyes on Rei. He knew Nitori would be keeping his eyes on Rin, and Mikoshiba had to be the authoritative presence now. First, remove the threat. Then assess the damage. 

He could see that Rei wasn’t being brutish or bullying. But that didn’t change the fact that he obviously had greatly upset Rin. 

“Then go. And stop harassing my teammate.” 

As Rei bowed and left, Nitori watched as Rin tugged his jacket tighter around him, then crossed his arms across his chest. Rin bowed his head, and Nitori had no idea if he had even noticed that Rei was gone now…

Nitori approached Rin, but he refrained from touching him. 

“Matsuoka-sempai…?”

Mikoshiba came up beside Nitori, his frown deepened. 

“You okay?” 

Rin didn’t lift his head. 

“May I leave practice early?” Rin asked. 

Mikoshiba furrowed his eyebrows, then exchanged a look with Nitori. 

“Sure. If you tell us what happened.” 

Rin still didn’t lift his head to look at them. Mikoshiba was more or less Rin’s height, so the dipping of the head, in combination with the slumping shoulders and attempts to make himself appear smaller made it so Mikoshiba really couldn’t see his face. It didn’t make him feel better about this in the slightest. 

Nitori was shorter, though, and he bent his knees a little bit to try to see Rin’s face. 

Mikoshiba watched as Nitori’s eyes widened. 

“Sempai?” 

With a great sniff and a lift of his hand to his face, Rin lifted his head, trying to wipe away the tears and snot. What the hell had the Iwatobi guy say? 

“I can handle seeing them at regionals, but I don’t want them coming here anymore.” Rin said, wiping his hand on his jacket. 

“The whole team?” Mikoshiba asked, wanting clarification. 

Rin nodded. 

“Does that include your sister?”

Rin snorted and managed a small smile, but Mikoshiba could see that it wasn’t out of any happiness or lifting of his mood at all. 

“No.”

“Okay. I’ll let them know they’re not welcome here.” 

He couldn’t really do much else, though, if Rin didn’t tell him what it was that was wrong. But Rin was extremely private. Mikoshiba didn’t know much about him outside of what he could research online and from the school records that all students were allowed access to. When the other teammates would talk about Rin, it was nothing that everyone didn’t know. 

No, Rin had gone to Australia, then came back to Japan, didn’t try out when he first enrolled, and had been incredibly moody for as long as Mikoshiba knew him. 

But while the tears were gone, he could tell this was different. This wasn’t Rin being moody. Whatever had happened had hurt Rin, and they couldn’t afford anything shaking the team morale. 

Mikoshiba sighed through his nose. 

“Hit the showers, then you can head back to your dorm. Nitori, go back to practice with the others.”

“But - !” Nitori attempted to object, but Rin made a beeline to the showers, pushing past them. “But Mikoshiba-buchou, I really don’t think Rin should be left alone right now.”

“Let him have some time. You’ll see him again when you head back after practice. We only have a few more things to work on.” 

They headed back inside, and Mikoshiba continued to lead the practice. He spotted Rin walking through the building when he spared a glance at the in-building window, no longer in his swim suit and having his track jacket zipped all the way up to his chin. He furrowed his eyebrows. 

Mikoshiba and Nitori headed back to the dorms together. 

“You let me know how he’s doing, okay?” Mikoshiba said quietly as they reached their rooms, his being right across from Nitori and Rin’s. 

Nitori nodded, then opened the door and went inside his dorm room. 

Mikoshiba did the same for his. Once inside, he unzipped his track jacket and threw it on top of the laundry basket. He then went to his desk and pulled out his math book. 

He didn’t get to actually look at the chapter that he was supposed to work on for his class. 

“Mikoshiba-buchou!” Nitori shouted, panic making his vowels spike high in pitch. 

He ran from his room and into Nitori and Rin’s. 

“What is it?!” 

He didn’t see anything that was out of the ordinary - except that he couldn’t see Rin anywhere. 

“He locked the door!”

Mikoshiba raised an eyebrow. 

“And - ?”

“Matsuoka-sempai cuts himself!” Nitori exclaimed, squeezing his eyes tight as though admitting and violating Rin’s privacy and right to secrecy was physically painful. “He keeps his razors in a drawer in the bathroom, and he locked the door, and he won’t talk to me - !”

“Nitori, shut the fuck up!” Rin’s voice came from the locked bathroom door. 

Nitori then went to the door, tried the lock again to no avail, and pressed his hands against the door. 

“Sempai, please!”

A rush of adrenaline flowed through Mikoshiba; he went to the door and banged his hand on it. There was a reason he was make swim team captain. He knew how to defuse a situation and how to keep a level head in a stressful situation. But he couldn’t exactly say he was trained for dealing with this exact sort of thing. 

“Matsuoka, open the door!” 

“Will you just leave me alo-!? Shit!” 

He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be able to smell the metallic scent of blood that easily. He felt like his stomach had just fallen out of him.

“What happened!?” he demanded, realizing too late that his voice was shaking. 

Mikoshiba’s heart was going a mile a minute, like he was running laps around the campus, but the terror that was gripping him was something he was completely unfamiliar with. It felt like Rin’s silence was stretching for forever. 

He was responsible for his teammates. He was responsible for his kohai. Rin might be his same age and in his same year, but it was still his job to look after him and he cared about those in his charge very much. 

This was quickly turning into his worst nightmare. 

“Dammit, Matsuoka, you have to talk to me!” 

This could be his fault. 

This could be his fault for not letting Nitori just be at his side, to keep an eye on him. 

No, he couldn’t think that way, he couldn’t have known about this, that Rin would - ! 

The waiver of Rin’s voice, exposing just how hurt and scared he was, scared him just as much as what Rin said. 

“I - I didn’t mean to cut it like that…! I was too busy yelling at you…!” 

That was the least reassuring thing ever right now. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Rin on the other side of the door, but the entire situation felt incredibly surreal. Like it wasn’t - or shouldn’t - be happening and was against some kind of law of time and physics. 

“Matsuoka, are you able to open the door?” 

He and Nitori waited on baited breath. They could hear Rin sniff, trying to not completely lose it. 

“I don’t know. I’m trying to keep pressure on it and . . . !” 

Shit shit shit - ! 

“Nitori, get a facilities worker for the key to the door and call an ambulance.”

“Right!” 

Nitori then dove for his cell on the desk, almost tripping in his haste. He flipped it open, then dialed the emergency number while running out of the room to go get a key to the door. Mikoshiba should hear Nitori falling over himself in his panic. He also couldn’t imagine what it was like to be Nitori; he could tell that Nitori had strong feelings for Rin and cared about him probably more than everyone else on the team. If this didn’t turn out right, Nitori would be the most devastated out of all of them and - 

Shit, what was he going to tell Gou?

“Matsuoka, can you tell me what you cut?”

“My - shit - !” Mikoshiba waited, but each moment he waited felt like it was trying to kill them both. 

“Rin, you have to not panic. I know this is scary, but you have to keep a level head and talk to me.”

He could still hear him breathe and sob, at least…. 

“I damaged my genital area more than I intended - don’t you DARE laugh!” 

Rin’s voice rang with fury, overpowering the fear and panic in his voice - as though challenging him to mock him during this crisis. 

Mikoshiba had absolutely no idea why Rin would do something like that in the first place, but he didn’t find it funny in the least bit. Just thinking about any kind of sharp object near his penis made his skin crawl. 

“I’m not laughing, I’m worried. How much is it bleeding?”

“Fuck - ! I can’t really . . . I can’t really see, but there - before I started putting on pressure, there was - I think I cut it off, fuck!”

Mikoshiba paled. “You what!?” 

“Not the whole thing, just a bit!” 

A moment passed, and Mikoshiba could hear Rin crying. He thought back to how Rin was during all of their practices, in class, around campus, during training - Rin Matsuoka was a man who pushed himself to do his best, and the only thing that was holding him back was his own inability to give himself a break and allow himself to actually create bonds with the team. 

It was terrifying to even entertain the idea that Rin might never get a chance to. He couldn’t think like that, though, he had no reason to think that Rin would bleed to death. He had no idea what it looked on the other side, maybe - ! 

But what the hell did he know? 

“Still applying pressure?”

“What do you fucking think?”

“Are you feeling dizzy?”

“A little….”

“You have to stay awake, okay? I’m right here for you. Nitori will be back with the key and the ambulance should be here soon.”

“Mikoshiba-buchou?”

“Yeah?”

Another silence stretched on, and Mikoshiba hated it more than anything. 

“I’m sorry about leaving practice early.”

Shit. 

“Don’t say that, I let you leave.”

“I should’ve stayed. Regionals are -” 

“Not for you to worry about right now.”

After what felt like forever, Nitori returned with an adult and the key to the bathroom. Mikoshiba moved to give Nitori access to the door. 

“Nitori brought the key. We’re opening the door now.”

Nitori stuffed the key into the lock, turned it, then swung it open as fast as he could. 

Both Nitori and Mikoshiba froze at the sight of the bloody towel between Rin’s legs, Rin’s hand desperately pressing it against his genital area. Tears were running down his face.

Rin’s pants and underwear were on a pile on the tile floor, so nothing was hiding the long cuts on his thighs or the tendrils of blood rolling down his legs and onto the floor, pooling at his feet. Some of the blood was dripping from the edge of the toilet lid. 

Mikoshiba didn’t watch horror movies. He didn’t particularly like feeling scared and gore never appealed to him. 

Now it felt like he was in one, and terror was pumping in his veins as though someone injected it into him. 

“We - we’ll have to carry him outside,” Nitori said, jogging Mikoshiba out of his frozenness. He turned his head toward Nitori. 

“But we can’t be sure we’ll be able to move him without hurting him further.” 

“He’ll be able to get to the hospital faster if he’s outside.”

“No!” 

Mikoshiba looked back at Rin, face contorted with pain and fear and sadness and desperation. 

“I’m staying right here until they get here. Just - just hand me another towel.”

Mikoshiba reached behind Rin and grabbed a towel, then gave it to him. He had expected Rin to switch the towels out, but he added the fresh towel to the bloodied one, then used both hands to apply pressure. 

The blood still ran down his legs, staining the tile floor. 

They moved out of the way to Rin when the ambulance arrived. They carried him out, Rin still holding the towels in place, and Mikoshiba and Nitori couldn’t follow. 

Nitori skipped classes to go stay with Rin all of the next day. Mikoshiba knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate, but he had two responsibilities to fulfill before he could see Rin. 

He got on the bus to Iwatobi. He reached the school without incident. 

He went to the teacher’s area and knocked on the door. 

“I need to talk to five of your students. They make up the Iwatobi Swim Club. Haruka Nanase. Makoto Tachibana. Nagisa Hazuki. Rei Ryugazaki. Gou Matsuoka.” 

They were called to the office, all of them looking confused. 

Gou looked like she had no idea why he would be there. Could he really be the first person she would be hearing this from? 

He swallowed hard. 

“I have two things I need to tell you. The first is that Nanase, Tachibana, Hazuki, and Ryugazaki are no longer allowed on the Samezuka campus and not allowed to have contact with Rin Matsuoka.”

“What!?” Nagisa exclaimed. Makoto’s and Haruka’s eyes widened. Rei frowned, guilt easily displayed on his face. 

“The second I wish I didn’t have to tell you,” he said, looking at Gou. “Your brother . . . had an incident. He’s in the hospital. As his team captain, I felt like it was my responsibility to tell you.” 

The way her face went from confused to devastated broke his heart. 

“What . . . ? What happened!?” Gou asked. 

“I . . . I don’t know how much I’m allowed to say…. But I’m heading to the hospital as soon as I’m done here.”

“I’ll go with you,” she said, and he didn’t argue. 

“We’ll go too!” Nagisa announced. 

“But he just said we’re not allowed to see him….” Rei reminded him dejectedly. 

“But - !” 

“Is this about what happened yesterday? When I talked to him?”

Mikoshiba’s eyes darkened. 

“I’m not at liberty to discuss that.” 

Rei got the message that his tone implied, though. Rei’s shoulders slumped, and the guilt he was wearing increased. 

Mikoshiba got no glee or satisfaction from it. But it communicated just how serious the request was. 

“Gou, you’ll tell us how he’s doing, right?” Makoto asked Gou, choosing to ignore Mikoshiba entirely. 

Gou nodded. 

Mikoshiba spared Haruka a glance. He was staring into space, clearly shaken by the news. He frowned, but didn’t say anything to him. 

He and Gou left and took the bus to the hospital. 

Once they got there, they saw that Rin was awake. He was propped up on pillows and was listening to Nitori try to get their minds off of the entire situation. Any attempts to cheer Rin up, though, clearly weren’t working. Rin’s frown seemed permanent. 

“Gou?” Rin said as she entered the room. 

Mikoshiba tapped Nitori on the shoulder. 

“We should probably leave them be for a while.”

Nitori hesitated, but he nodded and got up out of the chair. They went into the hall. Nitori let his shoulders slump and his mouth frown. 

“How has he been?”

“He’s on pain medication and they’re giving him meds to prevent infection. They wouldn’t tell me what happened because I’m not family. And Rin had yelled at them not to tell me a word….” 

Mikoshiba’s frown deepened. 

“Do you have any idea why he did this to himself?” 

Nitori shook his head. 

“I . . . I overheard the doctors say what he had done to his privates was a botched form of type 2 genital mutilation…. But I don’t know what that means.” 

“Are you able to look up things on your phone?”

Nitori shook his head. “And I’ve been too worried about him to leave his side to go find a computer or ask someone….” 

“That’s okay. I’d rather you be there to look after him than anything else.”

Nitori nodded. Then he bit his lip. 

“Buchou, he keeps asking about regionals.”

“Hm?”

“He . . . he insists he’s going to be healed up and all better by regionals. That he can still swim.”

Mikoshiba’s frown deepened even more. 

“I really don’t know if that’s advisable. He had said he cut part of his dick off. That kind of sounds like something you shouldn’t risk getting infected.”

“Pool water does help with healing sores and stuff….”

“But what if something happens and he starts bleeding in the pool?”

“Oh….” 

Neither of them had an answer for that. 

“M-maybe we can just wait and see how he’s doing. Maybe he will be all better by then….” Nitori stammered. 

Mikoshiba knew Nitori didn’t believe that. But Nitori’s loyalty and supportive nature was what made him a good teammate. 

But they wouldn’t be good teammates to Rin if they let him compete in this condition. Even if he got better enough physically, mentally he was a mess. Mikoshiba wanted Rin to get better and stop hurting, both physically and emotionally. And he didn’t know if competing at regionals would be beneficial at all.


End file.
